Extramarital affairs can greatly impact a couple’s ability to be intimate. The spouse who’s been cheated on often begins comparing themselves to the affair partner.
Those who compare themselves may be able to connect intimately with their partner but their sex life is fuelled by negative and intense emotions. It is often followed by a period of heightened sexual activity known as Hysterical Bonding.
As a phenomenon, Hysterical Bonding hasn’t been extensively researched yet, but it’s one that many people can relate to. It describes what happens when someone is betrayed by their partner and this arouses a deep need to win back their partner’s affections. As such, since the betrayal was often of a sexual nature, the method employed is often one of sexual experimentation, and increased sexual frequency.
It is usually an incredibly intense period of time which the straying partner usually enjoys but, for the betrayed partner it is often followed by a feeling of self-loathing since their damaged sense of worth has never been healed.
Like a pristine new Lamborghini filled to the brim with the finest fuel ever created, we are all born in perfect newness with an abundance of unconditional love as our fuel for life.
Sadly, as people around us gently or harshly chide, correct, or criticise us (amongst other harmful behaviours they might exhibit towards us), our fuel begins to seep away and over time, in order to protect ourselves from the painful feeling this gives us, we put up barriers and believe the lie that we are not good enough. This sense of low self-worth accompanies us throughout our life and we use the bad behaviour of other people to reinforce that poor self-image.
When a partner cheats on us, we use it to feed the message that we are not good enough for them, so offering sex as a way of bringing his/her affections back in our direction seems to make sense to us.
However, since it is just a manipulative ploy, it does nothing to bolster our own sense of worth.
Since all the pain felt by the betrayed partner comes from their own feelings of not being good enough, the answer lies in helping them to realise the lie of that and replace it with the truth, i.e. that their partner did not cheat on them because of anything they did or didn’t do. It wasn’t because they weren’t attractive enough, clever enough, thin enough, earning enough, fit enough…etc.
The affair happened because their partner didn’t feel good enough about themselves either and took the opportunity to distract from that feeling. The straying partner could then temporarily believe they were someone who was a catch and worth sleeping with. It bolstered their own poor sense of worth for a brief period of time.
This behaviour said nothing about the betrayed partner, even though the straying partner might have implied that it was because of them as a means of justifying their own choice to cheat.
If they wish to heal their relationship and the underlying pain that led to its’ fracture, the betrayed and the straying partners would do well to watch our ten videos and begin the process of learning about unconditional love and its vital role in our lives.