“My husband is hiding something. I’m pretty sure he is having an affair as I keep catching him texting and smiling, and then he acts all suspicious if I ask him about it. This makes me want to keep checking up on him, going through his pockets etc. I haven’t found anything definite yet. How can I find out for sure what’s going on? “

My suggestion here is that you choose to trust him. If you choose this option, all the tension and anxiety will leave you, and you’ll find you won’t have the need to keep thinking about where he is, what he’s doing, what’s on his phone or in his pockets. You won’t feel the need to keep checking up on him.

But the key here, is what are you trusting him about? Are you trusting he isn’t having an affair – no. You are trusting that he is doing the best he can.

That sounds like a really strange answer but let me explain. Each of us are only ever doing the best we can in any given moment. If we could do any better we would, but we can’t, so we don’t. And no amount of someone else wanting us to do better or differently is going to make any difference.

An athlete, running in the Olympics, finishes fourth and doesn’t even run a personal best time. Could they have done it differently – no – not on that day. On a previous day, in a different venue, against different competitors, they were able to run a faster time. But on this day, they were not able to – otherwise they would have.

If you can trust, that on THIS day, at this time, your husband is doing his best.

You can find plenty of answers in this group that explain why someone would have an affair. It is all because of their own inherent emotional pain, that they acquired in their own childhood. Your husband would only be having an affair because he doesn’t feel good about himself and is seeking the wrong way of overcoming that feeling. But in his own pain, and misunderstanding of the causes and the best solutions for it, he might be out seeking a temporary quick fix. It won’t work for him and it’s not conducive to him finding what he really needs from within his marriage.

The best solution for you would be to say something like this to your husband …

“Sweetheart, I have been having a lot of thoughts recently that you might be having an affair. This has caused me to be suspicious of you, and not trusting you. I don’t like how this has made me feel towards you. If you are having an affair, then that is your choice. I have learnt more about what unconditional love is and I have learnt that if you are having an affair, then I cant be helping you to feel any love from me – and that’s my fault. So, I am going to commit to learning more about how to love you better. I hope you would find the strength to tell me about everything in your life so that we can discuss how to be closer and more loving to each other. I want to be with you always and I am going to work hard to keep learning to grow our relationship stronger each and every day.”

Written by Pete Uglow.

 

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