A few years ago I had a brief affair with a man at work. My husband and I were not getting on at the time and I fell for the sweet talk of a man who just wanted to use me. I bitterly regret it now that my husband and I are getting along so much better. Do I need to tell him about the affair when it will hurt him and might ruin everything?
I have written in other responses that husbands and wives should not have any secrets from each other – and that would be a really good general rule to adopt in your own relationship.
However, there are always exceptional circumstances where other considerations might affect the decision to effectively keep a secret – and this is one of them.
If you made a mistake in the past, it is over, you are not behaving in the same way now and you are totally committed to your husband and your future together, then telling your husband would not be the best thing.
But be clear why – because it would hurt him if you did so – and why would you choose to intentionally hurt your spouse?
If you told him because you are carrying around feelings of guilt and shame and you wanted to unburden yourself of those feelings, then your intention for telling him would all be based around making you feel better at his expense.
This is not unconditionally loving.
If you are still carrying those feelings, then I recommend you would seek some sort of coaching in order to be able to overcome them. Learn about the incredible power of unconditional love and how we make lots of mistakes in our life when we don’t have enough of it. Seek to bring it into your marriage. Encourage your husband to learn about it too.
If you do this, then one day in the future and feeling incredibly loved by each other, you two might be sitting on a beach together, gently watching the sun go down over the horizon. And you’ll casually say to your husband – “you know back when I was working at “such and such a place”, I got too friendly with a guy there and never told you about it.” And he’ll lean across, kiss you tenderly and say “I know – and I still love you like crazy.”
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