I’ve just got off a Skype call with a lovely couple in the U.S. and for the sake of *preserving their anonymity and because I want to share what was so miraculous about this call, I’ll refer to them as Louise and Bob.
30 years into their marriage, Bob had cheated on Louise and she was devastated …. understandably. She felt like the pain was driving her crazy and she was both angry and afraid.
They reached out to me for guidance because, having tried to figure their way through this alone for over a year, Louise could not get past her pain.
Bob felt helpless and the guilt was eating him up.
I asked Bob why he thought he had indulged in an affair after 30 years of being married and this is the miraculous bit….how he answered me.
Instead of blaming Louise for what she hadn’t been giving him (sex, love, attention etc), which is what most people say, he said (and I repeat verbatim) …
“I’ve always known there was something missing – a kind of empty feeling inside of me – and if I didn’t do things to distract myself from it, it drove me nuts. I couldn’t bear that feeling, so when I had tried everything else and nothing worked anymore, having sex with another woman seemed like a kind of okay next thing to try….
… I know! It sounds so stupid now, but I really thought it would be okay, Louise would never know and I would feel better”
Sadly, it wasn’t OK, Louise did find out and he didn’t feel better for long.
Louise, hearing Bob describe it like this, felt an indescribable sense of relief from her suffering and she started to cry – tears of both relief and joy.
You see, like most betrayed wives, she had been making Bob’s infidelity mean that she was not good enough for Bob and that feeling had been tearing her apart. Once she learned that Bob wasn’t making any of it her fault, the pain subsided.
Now, I wonder if, as the straying partner, you can relate to what Bob said?
Maybe you watched our video and the bottle analogy made absolute sense to you?
Perhaps, as the betrayed partner, you can feel a glimmer of hope that this might be the underlying reason for your own spouse cheating, even if he/she can’t yet articulate it in the way Bob did.
Back in 2010, I was nowhere near as tuned into my feelings as Bob. I knew I felt a sort of emptiness, but I definitely thought it was because Nikki wasn’t giving me what I needed.
What I believed I needed back then was sex, and lots of it.
I believed then that LOVE = SEX
Many men (& some women) do. I genuinely believed that if I could get enough sex with Nikki, I would get rid of that emptiness and that was what I was craving.
And naturally…. Nikki felt used by me and therefore sex was not something she willingly offered.
It was a situation that meant I felt JUSTIFIED in going elsewhere for what I needed.
Maybe you are in a similar situation? Many couples are.
I want to reassure you that, whilst it’s common, it’s not the REAL reason for the infidelity. It’s just a confusing symptom.
Many women tell me that life just got in the way and they didn’t feel like having sex when they were tired looking after young children, nursing aging parents or working a demanding job.
They miss the point too. Sex is not the answer.
If this is your situation, book a FREE 45 minute call with me and let’s explore this further.
“I felt rejected every time I asked for sex and she said no and regardless of how she was feeling, I took it personally. I realise now that my whole sense of worth was wrapped up in that 3 letter word, but I didn’t then. It got to the point that I didn’t ask any more because I couldn’t stand the rejection.
Becoming aware of all this has hit the nail on the head for me. This is the missing piece that I’ve unknowingly been searching for all my life and I’m so grateful I found this course and you Pete.”